primetime primates

i was obviously a very nerdy kid.  from third grade through sixth, i read a lot of books.  moreover, every book i read changed my desired career.  jurassic park made me want to be a geneticist.  outbreak made me want to be a medical researcher.  and congo made me want to be a primatologist.  in fact, i became an expert on primates.  i even took a summer enrichment course (remember those?) between fifth and sixth grade to learn sign language so i could teach it to a gorilla.  that’s why this story about a chimp attack in connecticut is particularly gripping for me.

the thing about chimps is, at a certain age, they kinda start to be dicks.  everyone thinks gorillas are the bastards of the primate group (aside from humans, obviously), but it’s actually chimps that can become really dangerous after puberty.  this is especially true with chimps that have worked in show business, essentially having been abused their entire lives.  they can often become violent and aggressive in their later days.  this is why there are several centers set up across the country for hollywood chimps to retire.  they have to be rehabilitated and taught to be chimps again instead of acting like humans.

what i’m saying is this: it’s a REALLY bad idea to own a chimp.  period.  they look cute and they’re obviously hyper intelligent.  but they might also snap, just like humans do, and try to kill your friend.  or literally rip your balls off when you bring a birthday cake for another chimp. just let chimps be chimps and stop dressing them up and making them smoke pipes and we can avoid these tragic events altogether.

-srd

sidenote: “primetime primates” was the show that i taped off the discovery channel back in the day.  it was kinda like shark week, only with monkeys and apes.