“they are not the hell your whales.”

so i know you’ve been asking yourself, “how does my ironic mustache rank the star trek movies?”  you definitely haven’t been asking that, but i was super tired on saturday (read: hungover), so i watched a bunch of them again.  they’re mostly awesome, but here’s my official ranking.

1. star trek 2: the wrath of kahn – this is a no-brainer.  it’s undeniably the best of the series and can even be enjoyed by the non-trekkie.  plus, if’s heavily referenced in seinfeld, so that’s always a plus.

2. star trek (2009) – controversial!  plenty of trekkies hate on this one.  those people are idiots.  j.j. abrams took a dead franchise and showed everyone how cool star trek could be with the right hand.

3. star trek 6: the undiscovered country – i’ll always have a soft spot for this one as it’s the first i saw in the theaters with my mom.  it’s a great send-off for the original cast and nice little thriller to boot.

4. star trek: first contact – i grew up on tng so it’s was nice to finally see that crew get a proper movie.  it’s essentially a zombies in space tale.  add time travel and you’re in good shape.

5. star trek 4: the voyage home - speaking of time travel, this one never ceases to make my laugh.  sure it’s silly, but it’s a so much fun.  also, spock mind-melds with a whale.  so there’s that.

6. star trek 3: the search for spock – it’s kind of a big reset button, but it had to happen.  it gets you there with minimal muss and sets up 4 and 6 pretty well.   i could do without christopher lloyd though.

7. star trek: insurrection – this is where the suck starts.  it would’ve made a good two-part episode, but as a movie it’s pretty flat.  still, there’s a enough in there for it to not be a total waste.

8. star trek: generations – yikes.  it’s kind of a downer all around, kind of embarrassing for shatner, koening, and doohan, and kind of a tonal mess.  plus, data + emotion chip = guhhhhhh.

9. star trek: nemesis - i’ve actually seen this one the least amount of times, but i can see the massive problems with it.  kinda wish the tng crew went out on a better note.

10. star trek 5: the final frontier – i said “yikes” before, but man oh man, YIKES.  the only redeeming aspect is the “what does god need with a starship?” line.  and spock’s rocket boots.

11. star trek: the motion picture – i think i’m the only one that truly hates this movie.  it’s just so god-damned boring.  i literally can’t sit through it.  every other movie just decimated it.

if there were ever an appropriate post for the “never getting laid” tag, this is.

live long and prosper, nerds.

-srd